Janet Miller-Evans On Embracing Feedback For Self-Awareness

 

In this episode of Speakers Who Get Results, host Elizabeth Bachman sits down with Janet Miller-Evans to explore self-awareness techniques and the power of feedback. Janet shares her insights on how understanding and valuing feedback can transform your personal and professional life. Learn how to harness feedback as a tool for growth, embrace your authentic self, and navigate the complexities of self-awareness. This episode is packed with practical advice and thought-provoking discussions that you won’t want to miss. Tune in and discover how feedback can truly be a gift when you learn to know yourself.

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Janet Miller-Evans On Embracing Feedback For Self-Awareness

Welcome to the show. This is the show where we talk about leadership, communication, authenticity, and how to show up to get the recognition that you deserve. Before we get started on the interview, I’d like to invite you to see where your skills are strong by taking our free four-minute assessment at SpeakForResultsQuiz.com. That’s www.SpeakForResultsQuiz.com. That’s where you can see where your skills are strong and where perhaps a little bit of support could help you get the results you need and the recognition that you deserve.

My guest is Janet Miller Evans. She’s a well-known coach in the San Francisco Bay Area. We’ve known each other for several years. I was excited to have her on the show. She is the Founder and CEO of Entevos, LLC. She’s a certified coach known for establishing rapid reports and building trust and assurance. Janet guides her clients to reimagine their current thinking, increase authenticity, and achieve peak performance.

She provides coaching services to executives, leaders, and teams for businesses, educational, and nonprofit organizations. She’s also a facilitator, moderator, and public speaker. Janet’s coachees have lived in 46 countries. Her career progressed through the government utility industry and companies in healthcare, logistics, IT, internet, and telecommunication.

She has held various leadership roles with Fortune 50 companies including FedEx, IBM, UPS, and Comcast. She has led teams of up to 150 employees, attained sales revenue goals of $450 million, and managed multimillion-dollar profit and loss initiatives. Best of all, Janet’s mantra for life is amplified in the Latin meaning of the company name. Ente is being and Vos is you. Entevos is being you. Onto the interview with Janet Miller Evans.

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Janet Miller Evans, welcome to the show.

Thank you. It’s good to be here.

I’m glad to have you. We’ve known each other for several years. You’ve always been on my wishlist, so I’m glad it worked out this time. Before I get into the various questions I have for you, let me ask you who would be your dream interview. If you could interview someone who’s no longer with us, who would it be? What would you ask them? Who should be listening?

My dream interview would probably be with Eleanor Roosevelt. The reason that it would be with Eleanor Roosevelt is because of her resilience and her ability to communicate what she thought was important, stand by her beliefs with human dignity, and get things done.

Getting things done is important and standing by. I’m sure she didn’t think she was going to wind up helping run the country. That probably wasn’t her plan as a young girl to step in when needed.

She was able to pivot. If she didn’t think that she was going to run the country, when the opportunity came, she answered the opportunity with yes. She moved forward and did what she needed to do. As she realized her power, she stepped into it. She didn’t shy away from it. She didn’t fall on that old thing that we sometimes fall into, which is, “I have imposter syndrome.” She said, “I’m going to stand up for who I am, and I’m okay with that. Those who want to come along, that’s great. Those who don’t, I won’t let them hold me back.” When I read about her, that’s what I admire.

I love that. That brings me to the first question I was going to ask you about. Eleanor Roosevelt was her own authentic self. You talk a lot about authenticity. We often hear, “You need to know your value.” That sounds easy to say and not so easy to do. How do you help people know their value?

The Importance Of Self-Awareness

The first thing in knowing your value is being self-aware. Understanding what you value and when it shows up, how does that feel for you? When you’re in situations, do the values that you’ve outlined show up in those situations? That’s what lets you know whether to move forward or whether to say, “I may need to go a different direction.”

That brings me to another thing. We hear a lot, “You should be self-aware.” I’m sure some people are oblivious to what’s going around. We would think they’re not self-aware, but they think they’re self-aware. How do you know you’re self-aware? Do you have any practices that we could follow to increase our self-awareness and self-awareness in multiple ways? There are many parts of our lives where we could be more or less self-aware.

That’s very true. I’m a coach.

This is why I’m asking you. I know you do this, so please help.

I would suggest if you feel that you are not understanding and aren’t able to determine your own self-awareness, working with someone such as a coach can help you with that. There are assessments out there, and there are many of them. I suggest getting one and asking, Is it neuroscience-based? Is there documented evidence and supporting data for the information that they’re providing you? You can at least have some high percentage of reassurance that the feedback that you’re getting is real. It’s data based on human behavior, not on someone’s whim or someone stuck a finger in the air and said, “I’m going to give an assessment.”

The other thing about assessments is only data because they’re about a point in time. They’re about how you view things at that time. We all change. We need those assessments to give us some basis, to begin the discussion, or to begin to see areas in which we do excel, that we do have opportunity, or that we do demonstrate strong value.

Seeking And Valuing Feedback

From that, seek feedback. Feedback is a gift. It is more data. It is a point in time. It is how that person sees you in their mirror at that time. You take that with understanding, “While this is who I think I am, this is how I’m showing up to this group of people.” You want to get feedback from more than one person because everybody has an opinion.

Feedback is a gift. It's more data, a point in time, how that person sees you in their mirror. Take it with understanding, looking for patterns to help you grow. Share on X

This is not to sit in it and to make judgments of you being good or bad, but you’re like, “This is how I’m showing up.” What you’re looking for when you hear this feedback are patterns. Are several people saying the same thing? Are different people saying different things? You know within those groups, “This is how I’m showing up.” With the feedback, you take it as data, either good or bad, just information to help you understand who you are, how you want to show up, and how to regulate your actions, emotions, and behaviors in situations. Those are a couple of things.

Also, practicing self-compassion. I have a saying. I don’t know who I got this from, so I’m going to have to say anonymous. I love it. It’s, “Be gentle with us, mere mortal,” and then understanding you are one. It’s being compassionate with yourself, giving yourself some grace, and knowing life is a continuous growth cycle and you’re growing until you leave this earth. There is always something to learn. There is always something to do. There may be a day when you make a mistake. You pick yourself up, shake yourself off, learn from it, and move forward.

Be gentle with yourself, mere mortal. Life is a continuous growth cycle. There may be days when you make mistakes. Pick yourself up, shake it off, learn from it, and move forward. Share on X

You apologize if you made a mistake that hurt somebody.

Even in that, it is recognizing when it is appropriate to apologize. Sometimes, we say, “I’m sorry,” all the time for no reason. Think about it. Before we apologize, “Is this a situation where I inflicted pain, I unintentionally hurt someone, or someone misunderstood my intent or my action? I want to apologize for that.” It’s being very self-aware and intentional with grace when we apologize.

Handling Unqualified Feedback

One of the things I was going to ask you about is what if the feedback is not so helpful? What if it’s somebody’s opinion that you think they’re wrong? An unqualified person or someone is telling you how to do something when they don’t know what they’re talking about.

Is that a fact or is that a judgment that we’re making?

That’s a good point.

Think about that. As I said in feedback, it’s the mirror from which they see it. As you were talking, trying to come up with an analogy. I came up with a food analogy. Some people like chocolate. Some people can tolerate it. Some people cannot. Everything is not for you. When you get that feedback, that’s where your judgment, your discernment, and your choice come in on what you do with that feedback. Just because they gave you doesn’t mean that you have to receive it.

In self-awareness, you want to think about, “Are there some patterns showing up? When I received that feedback, did I get this feeling inside of me that hit a nerve?” Your body will tell you whether it’s real or not real. It’s listening for those signs. That’s one other point you mentioned about being authentic and being still. I mean being in those quiet moments where you can reflect and where you can hear what was being said. You’re reflecting in your mind and being honest with yourself about what you heard, about how you’re feeling, and about your own actions. It is about you.

Your metaphor back there is about some people like chocolate, some people don’t like chocolate, and some people can’t eat it. I know people who can’t eat chocolate. My first instant reaction was, “How could anybody not like chocolate?” That’s a biased statement. I realized it and was like, “Wow.” This is like the people who don’t understand what it’s like to be different. They’re like, “How come this is a problem?” That’s because it has never been a problem for them. I love chocolate, but I know people who react badly to it. In my assumptions, I notice myself reacting. Let’s go back to asking for feedback without apologizing in advance. What’s a good way of asking for feedback?

“What do you think? Elizabeth, I am in this situation. This is how I thought that I reacted or I came across. What do you think?” “Elizabeth, in my behaviors, I’m trying to get a pulse on how others perceive me. When I’m interacting, making a speech, talking in front of a group, or giving one-on-one feedback to you, what do you see?” You ask from a point of inquiry. You ask from a point of being open to receiving. You ask from a point of gratitude and thankful that they will tell you the truth. A lot of times, people don’t want to give feedback because they don’t want to be perceived as hurting someone’s feelings, or it’s very hard for them to tell that truth if it’s not in their own judgment, good or positive from grace.

When asking for feedback, approach from a point of inquiry, openness, and gratitude. Share on X

Don’t justify yourself.

We apologize for so many things that we don’t need to apologize for. I heard you say apologize in advance. What came to my mind was what would move someone to apologize in advance. There’s nothing to apologize for. That’s very interesting to me.

It’s something that women especially are trained to do. It’s the whole sorry habit. I did a whole episode on this a while ago. We’re like, “Sorry, but could I ask a question? Sorry, but I have an idea.” You’re making a point in a meeting and starting out by saying, “Sorry,” which immediately depositions you in an unconscious way. It weakens you and it weakens what you have to say if you apologize for it before submitting a legitimate idea.

I don’t know who did this song, but there was a song called Sorry Not Sorry. That’s what happens when you’re apologizing in advance. You’re sorry, but you’re not sorry because there was nothing for you to be sorry for.

It means it has no meaning.

It is about sayings like that for me. Somewhere, I learned that when you thank someone, thank them for what it is you’re thanking them for. When you’re saying, “I’m sorry,” think about it and say, “I’m sorry for.” When you think about what that “for” is, if there’s nothing to follow the “for,” then you don’t need to apologize.

If I’ve missed a deadline or things got busy and I didn’t respond to someone, I will say, “My apologies,” rather than saying, “I’m sorry.” Sorry is a word that has lost its power, if you will. It has lost its meaning to truly say, “I know I promised to get this letter to you by the end of last week. My apologies. Things got crazy and I didn’t get to it.” It’s my way of trying not to say sorry so much because I used to do that all the time, and then people didn’t take me seriously.

 

Managing Microaggressions In The Workplace

Microaggression is another thing that I’ve heard you talk about. Microaggressions are common in the workplace. I don’t know who started calling them that, but it’s a very good phrase. Most of the time, we smile and swallow our anger if we’re angry at something, and then many people stew about it. When is it appropriate to push back? When is it appropriate to say something when it might be dangerous to do so? Does that make sense?

I can break that into two parts. When is it appropriate to say something? When you believe that it is offensive to you, in my opinion, then it may be appropriate for you to say something. If it is of no consequence to you and you can move forward and roll with it, then you may want to do that. It is important to understand that when things are said to us, it is not always about us. Sometimes, we don’t know what the intent was or where it’s coming from.

With that being said, even if you can, don’t react immediately. Think about it, assuming that there was a good intention. When you know there may not be, the appropriate thing to do, in my opinion, is to have that discussion calmly and in the right setting. Sometimes, it can happen immediately. Other times, it may be you need to circle back and say, “A couple of days ago when we were talking about X, I thought about that and I wanted to share with you what my reaction was or what my thought was when you said that to me. I wanted to give you another perspective.” Ask permission, “May I share my thoughts with you?” That is to frame the conversation, put it on an even keel, and take some of the emotion or the assumptions out that could lead to a misunderstanding.

 

When I think about the jokes we used to tell that were so politically incorrect and the jokes I used to know as a kid, I can’t believe we said that. How can you make another person aware that what they’re saying is hurtful or if there’s someone who’s constantly putting you down, for instance? They’re interrupting and not letting you finish your thought. They’re interrupting, jumping in, or stealing your idea. That’s a microaggression. It’s often an unconscious microaggression. Do you have any thoughts about how best to respond to a behavior like that?

I tend to do that a lot in terms. I once had a habit of speaking when someone else was speaking because I couldn’t sometimes navigate when their pause was coming. That’s a situation where I will say, “I did not mean to step on you. Please finish.” If someone is doing that to you all the time, one of the things I’m learning to do and I’m practicing it every day is pausing, and letting them have the floor for as long as they need it.

When I begin to speak, what I notice is they have realized, “I have been talking for the last two minutes, so I’ll let her finish.” That takes practice. That’s one of the things that I’m trying to do. I would suggest thinking about your own power of the pause in your own way to be actively listening so that when it’s your turn, the other person will model that behavior. It’s funny how humans model each other.

 

I’ve worked with colleagues who constantly jump in and finish the sentence they think I’m going to say or talk over me. I’ve had colleagues who’ve done that.

There are so many things there. The person who is jumping in, when they finish, you can be like, “I appreciate your point. Here’s another way of looking at it,” or, “Here’s what I was thinking,” and go right on. If they do that, you might want to pull them aside one-on-one and have the conversation. Stealing your thoughts, that conversation came up with a group of women for me. Some of the suggestions and the feedback were politely saying yes-and to that person’s point. You can be like, “Yes, that thought was exactly what I was going to say. I would’ve framed it slightly differently,” and go on and make your point.

Stewing about them stealing your points is not going to be helpful for you because you’ll find that it will happen to you repeatedly. It is what people do. I’ve had 30 years of experience in the business world. People will try to take your ideas. As a woman, and I hear it quite a bit, I’m like, “I said that,” and this other person will jump in and say the exact same thing I said and get credit for it.

Most times, they say it’s men doing that, but some women who get the floor and who are able to assert themselves will do that as well. I’m not going to say it’s just a man trait. It may be a greater percentage of men, but people do that to each other all the time. The thing that I’ve learned from some suggestions is to politely say, “Your point was well taken. I made that point a few minutes ago,” or “I made that point and I’m glad you agree with me.” You want to get across that you have made your point and the fact that you’re adding to it. You’re turning it into a positive.

All of these things, you want to weigh because there is some cost. People are going to make judgments. You want to weigh that with how you come across normally and how you want to be perceived. If you want to start practicing it, start practicing. It is never too late. Knowing that these things are going to happen, being prepared mentally, because it’s mental gymnastics, of saying, “I am going to be calm about this. I am going to assume good intentions. I am going to educate when needed. If someone is off base, I’m going to speak with them one-on-one and have them agree on what our boundaries should be.”

Recruiting Allies For Support

You’re more generous than I am. A lot of the work I do is with women who aren’t hurt. When somebody steals their idea, male or female, my solution is to recruit an ally. If this is a common pattern, recruit an ally or two to say, “When that person interrupts me or says my idea five minutes later, will you say, “That’s great. That’s lovely. That’s what Elizabeth did. Thank you for expanding on Elizabeth’s idea,” rather than claiming credit for something. I often feel this because they’re not listening. When they have a great idea, it’s because subconsciously, they’ve heard you but they’re not listening so they think it’s their idea. I’ve heard that over and over.

That’s assuming good intent, and that does happen. A lot of times, people will steal the idea. Your suggestion is very good. A lot of times, women find themselves the only person in the room. Getting a male ally to do that for you would be wonderful. Generally, that would be wonderful. I’m being positive there too. To find that ally in those settings that will be able to do that would be a wonderful thing.

If you notice, what men do and what women leaders have learned to do, and you see it all the time if you’re watching TV or politics, or not even politics but the CEOs or leaders of organizations, whenever they’re giving speeches or talking about something, they are either telling a story and bringing some other people in or either they’re validating somebody with their words. The more you can get that ally to validate your words, giving you credibility, and pumping you up so that when it is time for you to speak, others will listen. That is another good way to do that.

It’s a way of training your listeners to pay attention to you by sometimes third-party endorsement. If they’re not going to listen to you, then who do they listen to? Have that person to back you up until they’re used to listening to you. If you have an idea, say it in a concise and compelling way. Don’t ramble on and on because that’s another reason why people interrupt.

When all these things happen, I close with pick your battles. Sometimes, we don’t know the intent. Sometimes, we can perceive because we’re in this state of defensiveness or state of, “Somebody stepped on what I said,” that we can respond without thinking, “How big of a deal is this to me? What will it cost me, if anything?”

In some ways, it’s two ways of working with people. There’s a whole section of people who’ve learned to process ideas by challenging them. They say, “If I challenge you, can you defend that idea?” Whereas other people will react as if it’s a personal challenge. They’re like, “You’re challenging my idea. That means you’re challenging me.” Those seem to be the relational thinkers who think of it as meaning them rather than a challenge that you are expected to defend and prove that you can do it. If you know that and you recognize that that could be what’s going on, it’s worth having a conversation about it.

I find that a lot of people, those who thrive on tossing ideas back and forth and challenging each other, don’t understand the ones who have to think about it before they can produce their idea and take a little time. These are observations from working with people. It has been wonderful to have you on the show. If somebody is tuning in and they’re thinking about we have to be self-aware to be authentic, where could we start? What’s one thing our audience could do as soon as this episode finishes?

Begin by making a list of who you think you are. It’s about understanding what your preferences are, understanding what your skills are, understanding what your values are, and understanding how you show up in situations. When somebody steps on you, what do you do? When somebody steals your idea, what do you do? What I’m asking is not what you do to remedy it. I’m asking what are you doing right now.

Do you get offended? Does it make your stomach hurt? Do you get a migraine? Do you speak up immediately? Have you been known to blurt out, “Why did you steal my idea?” Self-awareness is first understanding who you are and what you do in those situations. I would start by getting a little diary and start writing down, “These are my preferences for things. These are my skills.” That’s how I would start.

Self-awareness starts with understanding your values, preferences, and reactions. Keep a diary of your skills, how you respond in situations, and celebrate your growth and achievements. Share on X

I love it.

Celebrating Personal Achievements

The next thing I would do is flip to another page and start celebrating myself. Celebrate when you have achieved something. Celebrate when you’ve held back and you know you’ve held back from that temptation to interrupt somebody or be offended because someone took your idea. When you have successfully not reacted to those things or reacted in a way that’s in alignment with what you believe, celebrate that.

I love it. Thank you so much for being a guest on the show. This has been Speakers Who Get Results. If you enjoyed this, please tell your friends, subscribe, and follow us on Apple Podcasts. Leave us a good review on Apple Podcasts, please. In the meantime, keep coming back. I’ll see you on the next one.

Thank you.

 

Important Links

• Entevos LLC
• Janet Miller-Evans – LinkedIn
• Speak For Results Quiz

 

About Janet Miller-Evans

Janet Miller Evans, Founder & CEO of Entevos LLC, is a certified coach known for establishing rapid rapport, building trust, and assurance. She guides her clients to re-imagine their current thinking, increase authenticity, and achieve peak performance. Janet provides coaching services to executives, leaders, and teams for businesses, educational, and nonprofit organizations. She is also a facilitator, moderator, and public speaker. Janet’s coachees have lived in 46 countries. Janet’s career progressed through the government utility industry and companies in healthcare, logistics, IT, internet, and telecommunications. She held various leadership roles within Fortune 50 companies, including FedEx, IBM, UPS, and Comcast. She has lead teams up to 150 employees, attained sales revenue goals of $450 million, and managed multi-million-dollar P&Ls. Janet’s mantra for life is amplified in the Latin meaning of the company name “Ente” = being + ‘vos” = you.